Whether our children are 3 or 30, we always love them. We just might not like what they do. As the parent of adult children, you have the right to take umbrage with what your adult child does, especially when they do something really dumb.
Be prepared when you bring their idiotic choices to the table of conversation. You will be met with hostility, anger and finally the guilt card will be played. "If you loved me..." or "Maybe, if you supported me when I was younger, I wouldn't be in the situation today."
Phrases such as those are designed for two things. 1. To deflect responsibility for their own actions/choices. 2. Create guilt in the parent. Children, especially adult children are very good at doing both. All you can do as a parent is smile and nod. Tell them you are sorry they feel that way and move on. After all, the child in question is no longer 3.
One day, several years ago, my oldest stormed into my house, came barging into my bedroom and began shouting at me. There was no preamble or greeting of any sort. Just hollering. My reaction to hollering is simple. No one gets to holler at me. (Well, maybe my wife but, no one else.) Therefore, I ignore the noise and carry on. When my daughter had finished yelling, I asked if she was indeed finished and told her that she should feel free to leave. "Come back when you can act as an adult." Was the phrase I used.
My daughter was shocked . She never thought I would invite her to leave my home. She did after all, have a place of her own so, why not? As her parting shot she announced that she was no longer my "little girl."
She tore out of the house and her car threw up dirt as she spun her wheels leaving the yard. Guess what. A week later, this woman who said she didn't need me came over and needed my help. Of course, I helped her.
Now, several years later, my daughter still calls me nearly daily. I guess she grew up.
I have friends who's children have done really bad things and the parents have had to tell them the hard facts. The adult children don't like to hear the hard facts. No one likes to hear that they have screwed up or that they are screwing up their lives or worse, the lives of their Spouse and children. But, as a parent, we have a responsibility to be honest with our children, even when they are chronologically adults.
When you are honest in the extreme situation with the offending "child", they don't like it and things can get ugly. Finally they ask: "Why are you doing this to ME?" I recommend at that point, simply remind the person that you are not doing anything. What they are experiencing at this moment are the consequences of their own actions and choices.
So, when your child gets hurtful, remember, at some point you have to force them to face the consequences of their actions and choices. Eventually the bill does come due for everyone. It doesn't mean you don't continue to love that child who is now an adult. You make them face life because you do love them. That's your only job.
Oh, after the confrontation is done, a stiff shot of vodka or other adult beverage is authorized. Give me a call, I'll join you.
As Always...
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