Unconditional Love still has consequences...

Whether our children are 3 or 30, we always love them. We just might not like what they do. As the parent of adult children, you have the right to take umbrage with what your adult child does, especially when they do something really dumb.

Be prepared when you bring their idiotic choices to the table of conversation. You will be met with hostility, anger and finally the guilt card will be played. "If you loved me..." or "Maybe, if you supported me when I was younger, I wouldn't be in the situation today."

Phrases such as those are designed for two things. 1. To deflect responsibility for their own actions/choices. 2. Create guilt in the parent. Children, especially adult children are very good at doing both. All you can do as a parent is smile and nod. Tell them you are sorry they feel that way and move on. After all, the child in question is no longer 3.

One day, several years ago, my oldest stormed into my house, came barging into my bedroom and began shouting at me. There was no preamble or greeting of any sort. Just hollering. My reaction to hollering is simple. No one gets to holler at me. (Well, maybe my wife but, no one else.) Therefore, I ignore the noise and carry on. When my daughter had finished yelling, I asked if she was indeed finished and told her that she should feel free to leave. "Come back when you can act as an adult." Was the phrase I used.

My daughter was shocked . She never thought I would invite her to leave my home. She did after all, have a place of her own so, why not? As her parting shot she announced that she was no longer my "little girl."

She tore out of the house and her car threw up dirt as she spun her wheels leaving the yard. Guess what. A week later, this woman who said she didn't need me came over and needed my help. Of course, I helped her.

Now, several years later, my daughter still calls me nearly daily. I guess she grew up.

I have friends who's children have done really bad things and the parents have had to tell them the hard facts. The adult children don't like to hear the hard facts. No one likes to hear that they have screwed up or that they are screwing up their lives or worse, the lives of their Spouse and children. But, as a parent, we have a responsibility to be honest with our children, even when they are chronologically adults.

When you are honest in the extreme situation with the offending "child", they don't like it and things can get ugly. Finally they ask: "Why are you doing this to ME?" I recommend at that point, simply remind the person that you are not doing anything. What they are experiencing at this moment are the consequences of their own actions and choices.

So, when your child gets hurtful, remember, at some point you have to force them to face the consequences of their actions and choices. Eventually the bill does come due for everyone. It doesn't mean you don't continue to love that child who is now an adult. You make them face life because you do love them. That's your only job.

Oh, after the confrontation is done, a stiff shot of vodka or other adult beverage is authorized. Give me a call, I'll join you.

As Always...

To smoke or not to smoke...

The question seems simple enough: To Smoke or NOT to Smoke. We all know that it is bad for us health wise yet, millions of Americans still consume tobacco products to the detriment of their health.  Unfortunately, the habit is also to the detriment of the health of everyone around the smoker too.

Before I go any further, let me say that if you are a smoker and you want to continue, that's your business. I am just going to pass along some information and my own experience as a former smoker of 44 years.

I am not going to try and "Scare you straight" with horror stories of former smokers who have died horrible deaths. I won't even post the picture of me in the ICU of the Naval Hospital after open heart surgery. I'm sure you all know about the risks associated with smoking. I was and I chose to ignore them.

But, one day about 10 days after my heart surgery, my surgeon, came to check on me. He was concerned because there had been some major post-operative complications with my case.  Please not that I said this was some 10 days after the surgery. I was originally scheduled to go home 3 days post-op. I asked the doctor if the complications were due to my smoking. He told me that they most likely were. Folks, I had nearly died. Not fun. I scared my wife and children, not to mention many of my friends.

The way I quit after so many years was kind of frightening. The cardiologist was very blunt as she was threading a catheter through my cardiac arteries. She said I needed to quit smoking or I was going to die! She wasn't saying this in a frightening voice. She was very matter-of-fact. Clinical.

When I got back to my hospital room, I told my wife to go home and throw away all my cigarettes. She laughed at me and told me that she already had gotten rid of them.

There are complications to open heart surgery. One of them is damage to vocal function. Well, guess which complication I got. The day after I got home from the hospital, my voice disappeared. I was unable to speak clearly. As it turns out, I have now got a paralyzed vocal cord. Several surgeries later, my voice is stronger but, I have to go to speech therapy regularly to learn the correct way to talk and swallow. All due to my choice to smoke.

I am not complaining. I made the choice. I was warned more times than I can count and I still persisted in smoking. So, this is the price I pay. At least I am still alive to talk about it.

My son is the only one left in my family who still smokes. I hate it. I can't stand the smell and the idea that he would continue to smoke after watching what I went through just baffles me. But, that is his choice.  I got him e-cigarettes for Christmas; at his request. He says he lost them. OK, that's fine. Again, that's his choice. I just read an article that e-cigarettes are not an effective stop smoking tool anyway.

I honestly believe that the best tool for smoking cession is right between your ears. Your brain. If you are a smoker, wanting to quit, you need to get your head in the right place. You have to be ready to honestly quit. If not, it won't work.

I do know that when you are ready to quit, there are a lot of resources out there to help you achieve your goal. It's not easy. A habit of decades will not go away in just a week or a month.  It will take a commitment like none before. I promise that.

Under my circumstances, it was easy to quit. I was scared out of my mind. The prospect of open-heart surgery is daunting to say the least. The doctor's clinical pronouncement really got my attention and from that moment on, I have not had the idea of smoking ever again.

I can smell a smoker from 15 feet away now. I avoid the smell. My food tastes better and I find it easier to do many things. I hope that I didn't wait to long to quit and I can avoid further health problems due to smoking.

Finally, just one other point. When I started smoking, some time around 1969, Cigarettes cost around 25 cents a pack (more or less). Now, with all the taxes etc. a pack of Salem (my brand of choice) cost $ 7.58 (minimum legal price in NJ). $ 2,774.28 if you budget only 1 pack a day. I know that I can find lots of better uses for nearly 3 thousand dollars in a year.

As always...

If I didn't read it, I wouldn't believe it...(or Stupid News)...

I enjoy reading my news. I read all sorts of things: Politics, National News, International happenings and "Human Interest" stories. Sometimes, I run across news stories that seem so stupid that it's hard to believe that they could even be thought of, forget true. I'm sure you have all seen stories that fit this category and have thought that there is little hope for the species if these people are the future, forget about our culture. With this all in mind, I have picked a couple of the best for your enjoyment or horror. It depends on your point of view. Just remember what the comedian says: "You can't fix Stupid."

Our first story begins with a young "Lady" who doesn't know that people other than her friends read the Social Media page "Facebook." It seems that back in February, this young woman of 21 years had been contacted by her probation officer and told to report for a breathalyzer examination. This was in accordance with the terms of the woman's probation. (She was on probation for a DUI offense.) Our heroine reported to her probation officer and had the breathalyzer test administered. She passed and was sent on her way.

Upon returning home, she accessed her personal Facebook page and updated her status. (I paraphrase here as I can't write in the non-english language she used.) "What a buzzkill. Had to go to probation and get breathalyzer (sic). Thank goodness I passed cuz I was out getting wasted last night." Unfortunately, for this flower of American Womanhood,  a law enforcement officer saw the post. (You really should know who you "friend" on Social Media.) As was his duty to do, he reported his discovery to probation. The woman was contacted by her probation officer who, was not pleased at all with the probationer's reported conduct and was told to report immediately for a urinalysis.

Our offender decided that the best way to handle this new development in her legal entanglements was to HANG UP on her probation officer. Now, I have never been on probation but, I do know people who have been. From what they tell me and what I can deduce from other sources; probation officers don't take to kindly to being hung up on. Our alleged offender has a court appearance today. I find it ironic that it's April Fools day.

Stupid News, Part 2.

My youngest son hates the gym "Planet Fitness." I've asked him why and he won't give me a specific answer. I use this establishment and find no fault but, to be fair; I'm an old, fat Sailor and no one will ever accuse me of being a poster boy for physical fitness. I exercise to keep my blood sugar down and my heart working, per doctor's orders. Perhaps this next story is an example as to why my son dislikes this particular organization.

A recent news photo showed an attractive woman in exercise clothing with a caption: "Woman asked to leave Planet Fitness for being too fit."

Excuse me? Isn't that the goal? Planet Fitness defends this policy by saying that the woman's fitness level might offend less fit members. You've got to be kidding me! From my point of view, I would be asking this woman what she did to get and stay so wonderfully fit and would she become my exercise buddy? Planet Fitness should hire her as a spokesperson to show what regular attendance at their facilities can achieve!

I understand that this gym has a policy of not making the less fit feel bad when compared to the more fit but, this is just a stupid situation that should never have happened. As a result of this, I will be canceling my Planet Fitness membership when the year is up (June or July, I think) and joining another "Health Club". It's worth the money in my book not to enrich a company that carries a well meaning policy to extremes. There are plenty of gyms out there. I'll pick one.

Stupid News, Part 3.

Finally, we come to the dumbest and most concerning of all the stupid news stories of late. A 5 year old in an undisclosed Orlando, FL elementary school was prevented from Praying before eating her lunch. She told her parents that she was told by the "lunch teacher" that praying was "bad." When the child tried to pray a second time, she was stopped by the same teacher.  When asked by the parents about this, the school principle stated that he had looked into the incident and no one on the staff remembers ever telling any child that they could not pray at lunch time. (Big surprise.)

Just a reminder for all those who need it. The Constitution prohibits the establishment of a religion by the Government. It doesn't mandate the absence of any religion. Furthermore: the First Amendment guarantees that the "Free exercise" of religion shall not be prohibited. Although the school may be prohibited from promoting a prayer during instructional time, it certainly is appropriate for a child to "give thanks" for her meal prior to eating it.  School employees obviously require further training and closer supervision. I wouldn't buy the "no one remembers" excuse from the principle either.

That's the "Stupid News" for now. I hope you all have enjoyed it. Enjoy your "April Fools Day."

As always...

It takes more than a Uniform...

I'd like to tell you a story about a Sailor who was just doing his job, in his home port, on a quiet evening in Norfolk, Virginia.

Imagine yourself on duty with Security Forces, Naval Station, Norfolk, VA. Responding to a disturbance at Pier 1, MA2 Mark Mayo is shot and killed by an intruder when he inserted his body between the shooter and a member of the ship's crew on the Quarterdeck of USS Mahan (DDG-72).

The shooter was killed by other members of the ship's security force. The Commanding Officer of Mahan described Petty Officer Mayo's actions as "Nothing short of heroic."

As the time has passed since this incident; I continue to think about what makes a person place themselves in harm's way? What makes a person volunteer to do so?

The U. S. draft ended in the early 1970's and the country has had an all volunteer force since that time. No longer are there draftees or disenchanted youths, "sentenced" by well meaning jurists to join the military as punishment for youthful misdeeds.  We raise our hands willingly and take on the responsibility to defend our country.

I have read recently that it has been said that young people join the service because they can not get a good education or because they have no other choice. Well, you can get a good education in the service so, I don't see a problem there. As for choices; there are always alternatives.

If you look up at the picture for today's writing, you see United States Sailors, standing tall in their dress uniform. I must comment now and say that it takes much more than a "spiffy" uniform, a shoe shine and a straight back to make an effective member of the Armed Forces of the United States.

Many who have not been there have no idea of the responsibilities that these young men and women hold. They take their responsibilities very seriously and carry out their duty well and faithfully. They face long hours in poor working conditions for little pay when compared to civilian counterparts.

Worse, all members of the Uniformed Services face life threatening danger each and every day that they serve. Ask Petty Officer Mayo's family if they thought he was safe at Naval Station Norfolk, VA. I'll bet they would tell you "Yes!"

It takes something inside a person to make them understand that they may have to sacrifice themselves for something greater than themselves. It takes something even greater to actually do it! This comes with training but, it has to be there to begin with. In order to be subject to discipline, a person must be willing to subject himself to discipline.  The uniform just identifies the person, it doesn't speak to the fortitude which lies within.

The funny thing is, when people are serving, they don't think of the danger that they live with. It's part of the job and the culture. But, as a parent of two Marines, I can say without shame that the proudest day of my life was when they both graduated from Parris Island. The day I felt most relived was the day they came home, Honorably Discharged. I don't know how my Mother survived my career. She never said a word about the stress my being in the Navy caused. I do know she was proud and relieved to see me retire.

For Master-at-Arms Second Class Mark Mayo, USN, we salute you and all those who serve and protect us. Your service and sacrifice will never be forgotten.

Rest well, Shipmate. The watch stands relieved.

As always...

It's OK to cry. In fact, it's encouraged.

I know it's been about 2 weeks since my last entry here but, things have been busy and I have just not felt like writing. But, a dear friend told me what my small corner of the web means to her and it got me to thinking and thus, writing again.

I want to talk to you about honesty commitment and our reaction when the trust of a commitment is destroyed. I bring this subject to your attention today because the violation of the most personal and intimate trust happens more often than you might think; even today in our "enlightened" society.

A good friend of mine has a daughter who recently got married. She thought she had found true love and was finally allowed to marry and openly be true to herself and the woman she loved. The marriage happened and six months later, it's finished. Why? The spouse of my friend's daughter was "engaged" to another. Not only that but it turns out that the marriage to my friend's daughter was a sham from the beginning. Yes, my friends. The woman wanted medical coverage, a cell phone, car and insurance.

This was all discovered when a set of designer rings was found by my friend's daughter. When the entire story came out, she was told that she should not be "so trusting". Excuse me! I've been married 33 years this june 16th. That would not happen without trust. What this woman has done is an emotional rape of the worst kind. There is no other way to describe it.

Talking to my friend (mother of the abused party) my concern continues to grow because her daughter is ; in her attempt to be "strong", internalizing her hurt feelings and broken heart and engaging in behaviors which can jeopardize her career. This is where we get to the point of this blog entry.

When faced with this type of betrayal (it is not as uncommon as you may think), it is important to get the help you need so you may deal with the emotions that go along with this type of trauma. The problem with emotional trauma is that it can not be readily seen and thus is easy to ignore or minimize.

If the above relationship had resulted in violence and someone had ended up in the hospital, the injuries would be there for all to see. Since the wounds are emotional and psychological, they are not as easily recognizable to those not looking. Trust me, friends. I have some experience in this area.

My friend's daughter has had her heart ripped out. She will most likely take the advice to not trust so easily to her soul. Unfortunately, this may mean that it will be difficult for her to trust in others ever again. I can only hope that is not the outcome.

If it were up to me, I would wish for a special place in the afterlife for people who take advantage of the loving nature of some people. In the mean time, my advice is for my friend to take her daughter and a bottle of wine, cuddle under a blanket and encourage her to just cry it out. The emotional release will do her good. It's just one evening of ridding yourself of the baggage and poison that this relationship caused. After that, she can stand up, dust herself off and march forward with her life. No one need know that for one evening she wasn't a "Woman of the new century" It's OK to just be Momma's little girl who has suffered an unimaginable hurt and just needs her Momma to comfort her.

Just my opinion.

As Always...

The message is in the music. (It's not your parent's old standards any more)

My taste in music can best be described as eclectic. I listen to everything from the Military Bands of the United States Armed Forces (Navy and Marine Corps being my favorite) to Mozart.  Anything in between is perfectly acceptable as long as it meets the "American  Bandstand" critic's rule.

Each Saturday afternoon for some 36 years (1952-1988), Dick Clark would host this "Teen" show which showcased the popular songs of the day. At some point during the show, a couple would critique the featured song. If they liked it, their comment invariably would be: "It's got a good beat and I can dance to it."

That's my test. If I can discern the melody, the song is a winner in my book. Unfortunately, much of the popular music of today fails that simple test. Thank goodness I'm deaf in one ear.

Sometimes, I listen to the old standard patriotic songs that we all used to learn in grade school. I don't know if they teach them any more. In this day of political correctness and shrinking school budgets, there is either no money for music programs or the schools are afraid of offending someone who is a "visitor" to our fair land.

I understand the cutting of elective classes such as music, art and the like. Many believe that the humanities have no place in the public school system because they are not basic skills. I disagree but, that is for another blog and another day.

Fortunately, we do have musicians in this country and others who learned the humanities and thus can exercise their imagination, creating new music from the old and thus, giving us an entirely new experience with the same music.

The amazing thing about music is, the same melody can be arranged in an infinite number of ways which while keeping the essence of the original, creates a new mood and thus a new musical experience. So, depending on our frame of mind, we can listen to whatever suits us while never changing the piece of music. Now, that would be a study I would love to participate in.

So, with that in mind, I come to what inspired my ramblings of the day. One of the most heartfelt pieces of patriotic music; in my opinion is "My Country tis of thee." Most of us know this famous melody, of course. It's the same as the British National Anthem (God Save the Queen). The words in the American standard are equally familiar and very clearly tell the patriotic story of what America was and should be.

At first glance, this all may seem rather boring because of the familiarity of the tune but, remember; music can be transformed simply by changing the arrangement.

Yesterday I spend most of the day at various doctor's offices and was pretty tired when I got home. As is my habit when I want to relax, I put my headphones on and listened to some tunes. In my iTunes collection I have an arrangement of "My Country Tis of Thee" performed by Steven Stills and Graham Nash. What a far cry from the simple tune we learned as children this is. With it's haunting melody and emotionally delivered lyric, I was moved as usual when listening to good music. For that minute and 42 seconds, the troubles of my day seemed to melt away as I listened to the promise that the idea of our Country holds.

That brings me to my point. The music doesn't have to be the same as when we learned it. It can be adapted for any audience. The message in that music will always remain the same. I've given you one example of a patriotic tune. The idea is not limited to simply patriotic music. Take any tune you like. Find anything that touches you and look for it's message. I might not care for some arrangements of music but, some do like it and that's what counts because the music speaks to us all in one way or another. The message is there. All you have to do is listen for it.

As always...

Oh, how we love our daughters.

Pictured above is Miss Rachel Canning of Morris County, NJ. Of course, this picture was taken in happier times for the 18 year old. You see, it seems that this young Miss was unhappy with the rules of her parents's house and so, in a fit of "spoiled brattiness" she "moved out."

It seems this all happened in October of 2013 but, Rachel's idea of "moving out" is slightly different than mine. I moved out when I was 19. I too, moved out of my father's home in Union County, New Jersey (about 20 minutes from Morris County) but, when I moved out; I joined the United States Navy, supported myself and never looked back. When I came home, it was to visit.

Miss Canning moved in with her best friend's family and now expects her parents to continue to support her. This expected support to take the form of tuition in the local private Catholic High School (Rachel's senior year), a car and living expenses and an "allowance." This daughter of the Garden State and flower of American youth further expects her parents to pay college expenses.

She is so secure in her claim that she has convinced the father of her best friend to finance a law suit against her parents in order to be declared a dependent student.

There are several issues here that just cause my insides to churn and my head to ache. First, is the idea that a teenager who makes a choice to leave her parent's home now faced with the realities of the situation expects those same parents to continue to pay her way simply because she is their daughter. She maintains that her mother and father "threw her out" of the family home. In their defense of the law suit, the parents maintain that Miss Rachel left in a "huff" after an argument over curfew and chores in the home.

The second issue that just drives me to distraction is the fact that the "best friend's" parents are financing the law suit. As the father of two girls, I can fully understand the idea of taking one of my daughter's teenage girl friends in for one night as as a cooling off period after a big argument with her parents. Of course, I would take her in rather than leave her out in the cold. It does get rather chilly in northern New Jersey in October. After allowing the girl to spend 1 night, my next act would be to call her folks and let them know she is safe and secure for the evening. My second action would not be to plant the idea of a law suit against the parents in the girl's mind or in any way facilitate that legal action. I would however, counsel the young lady to go back to her parents in the morning after tempers and emotions have calmed down and work the issues out as the adult she claims to be. That is what adults in families do.

Once the friend's parents allowed the girl to remain in their home for months on end, they undermined the position of her parents as parents who know what is best for their daughter. Remember, what the friend or her parents think is right or wrong in this family situation is not relevant to the issues. Only three people can solve this problem: Mom, Dad and Daughter.

This is exactly what I hate about children reaching the age of majority at 18. I understand the reasoning behind it but as a practical matter, it doesn't work well in many cases. For that matter, I know a lot of 21 year olds who have no business calling themselves adults either.

But, in the situation we are discussing, it is very clear what has happened. We have a young girl who was raised with most of the advantages life has to offer. When she reached the age of majority, she decided that she no longer had to follow the rules of the home as set down by her parents. Remember, it is the parents who are paying the bills in the home. There's an old rule that is still valid today, "My house, my rules." As long as the rules are not abusive, if the girl wants the advantages of living in the home, she has to follow the house rules. It's a simple concept.

It seems that the New Jersey court agrees. Yesterday the judge in the case denied the request of the plaintiff, Miss Rachel Canning for her parents to pay her High School tuition, living expenses or provide an allowance to the young lady. the question of college tuition is still to be decided. April 2, is the next court date.

Of course, this all could be avoided if Miss Rachel would just talk to her mother and father, move back in the home she has always been welcome in and keep her room clean and; God forbid, help Mom around the house a little bit!

The age of entitlement, come home to roost!

As always...