I am an observer of this world we live in. Like most of us, I derive a certain satisfaction in watching the drama we call life unfold in others as it creates the culture we live in. One of the ways to observe this culture is to read the help/advice column in the paper or on -line. I go with the classic "Dear Abby".
When I was a kid, my mother used to read the same column each day. Sometimes, she would read the question to me so, for some 50+ years, I have become familiar with the problems that people feel compelled to ask the famous Ms. Van Buren to help with.
Two problems caught my interest just the other day. In the first one, a mother of a 20 year old lamented the situation of her son who, it seems had been having a "relationship" with an older woman since the age of 17. In the present day, the son is the father of a small child with this woman and his love interest is unable to take care of their son. It seems that the woman has some serious emotional/mental health issues. The original letter writer does not feel comfortable raising her grandson but her son; the child's father refuses. His excuse: He is not "ready" to become a father!
Abby informed the letter writer that she needs to step up and take custody of the minor child if both parents are unable/unwilling to do so. I suppose this is a proper response but, in my mind not what I would do.
The letter writer failed to prepare the son for life! He should have known that as soon as he slept with the woman who was 4 years older than he, ready or not, fatherhood was a possibility. Once he was informed that his girlfriend was pregnant and the decision was made to have the baby, the possibility became a reality. Fatherhood, here I come!
When I was in school, I had a Biology teacher. CDR Lewis O. Speck. He was a wonderful teacher. He taught us many things. One of them was this: Just because you are old enough to father a child doesn't mean you are qualified to be a Father. But, once the situation presents itself, you must stand up and take responsibility for your actions. In this case, there is a human life at stake.
Fatherhood is not a joke and can not be taken lightly. One way or the other, I would have informed the son of the letter writer that he must take responsibility for his actions.
The second story I wanted to talk about today was not from the advice column but just a news item that was passed along to me. It seems that in New York City, a father was accused of being incapable of controlling his 4 year old son and being a bad parent because he refused to take the child to McDonald's!
A long story short: Father and mother are divorcing. Father has every other weekend and each Tuesday evening (dinner) visitation with his son. On this occasion, the child demanded McDonald's. Father refused and offered alternative dinning choices. Child continued tantrum. Father returned child to mother without dinner. Mother promptly took child to McDonald's. Psychologist reports to court that the father is unable to control the child properly and this incident is tantamount to abuse. Recommends visitation be severely curtailed.
I certainly hope that the judge in this case sees this incident for what it is and makes the right decision. The child is being used as a weapon in the deforce proceeding and that is just wrong.
I was raised by a shrink. It was a crazy way to grow up. My father kept trying to be the shrink and not the Dad. As a consequence I got neither. Parents should be allowed to raise their kids, not mental health professionals. When courts order children to therapy routinely, they do the parents a disservice.
Further, parents need to understand that children are not basketballs that can be passed back and forth or hand grenades to be used as a weapon. Children need unified parents to love and nurture them. Discipline needs to be firm and fair by both parents. Most importantly, 4 year olds don't get to run the family and in no galaxy that I know of is McDonald's a healthy meal for a little child.
Just Sayin'...
As always...
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