It takes more than a Uniform...

I'd like to tell you a story about a Sailor who was just doing his job, in his home port, on a quiet evening in Norfolk, Virginia.

Imagine yourself on duty with Security Forces, Naval Station, Norfolk, VA. Responding to a disturbance at Pier 1, MA2 Mark Mayo is shot and killed by an intruder when he inserted his body between the shooter and a member of the ship's crew on the Quarterdeck of USS Mahan (DDG-72).

The shooter was killed by other members of the ship's security force. The Commanding Officer of Mahan described Petty Officer Mayo's actions as "Nothing short of heroic."

As the time has passed since this incident; I continue to think about what makes a person place themselves in harm's way? What makes a person volunteer to do so?

The U. S. draft ended in the early 1970's and the country has had an all volunteer force since that time. No longer are there draftees or disenchanted youths, "sentenced" by well meaning jurists to join the military as punishment for youthful misdeeds.  We raise our hands willingly and take on the responsibility to defend our country.

I have read recently that it has been said that young people join the service because they can not get a good education or because they have no other choice. Well, you can get a good education in the service so, I don't see a problem there. As for choices; there are always alternatives.

If you look up at the picture for today's writing, you see United States Sailors, standing tall in their dress uniform. I must comment now and say that it takes much more than a "spiffy" uniform, a shoe shine and a straight back to make an effective member of the Armed Forces of the United States.

Many who have not been there have no idea of the responsibilities that these young men and women hold. They take their responsibilities very seriously and carry out their duty well and faithfully. They face long hours in poor working conditions for little pay when compared to civilian counterparts.

Worse, all members of the Uniformed Services face life threatening danger each and every day that they serve. Ask Petty Officer Mayo's family if they thought he was safe at Naval Station Norfolk, VA. I'll bet they would tell you "Yes!"

It takes something inside a person to make them understand that they may have to sacrifice themselves for something greater than themselves. It takes something even greater to actually do it! This comes with training but, it has to be there to begin with. In order to be subject to discipline, a person must be willing to subject himself to discipline.  The uniform just identifies the person, it doesn't speak to the fortitude which lies within.

The funny thing is, when people are serving, they don't think of the danger that they live with. It's part of the job and the culture. But, as a parent of two Marines, I can say without shame that the proudest day of my life was when they both graduated from Parris Island. The day I felt most relived was the day they came home, Honorably Discharged. I don't know how my Mother survived my career. She never said a word about the stress my being in the Navy caused. I do know she was proud and relieved to see me retire.

For Master-at-Arms Second Class Mark Mayo, USN, we salute you and all those who serve and protect us. Your service and sacrifice will never be forgotten.

Rest well, Shipmate. The watch stands relieved.

As always...

It's OK to cry. In fact, it's encouraged.

I know it's been about 2 weeks since my last entry here but, things have been busy and I have just not felt like writing. But, a dear friend told me what my small corner of the web means to her and it got me to thinking and thus, writing again.

I want to talk to you about honesty commitment and our reaction when the trust of a commitment is destroyed. I bring this subject to your attention today because the violation of the most personal and intimate trust happens more often than you might think; even today in our "enlightened" society.

A good friend of mine has a daughter who recently got married. She thought she had found true love and was finally allowed to marry and openly be true to herself and the woman she loved. The marriage happened and six months later, it's finished. Why? The spouse of my friend's daughter was "engaged" to another. Not only that but it turns out that the marriage to my friend's daughter was a sham from the beginning. Yes, my friends. The woman wanted medical coverage, a cell phone, car and insurance.

This was all discovered when a set of designer rings was found by my friend's daughter. When the entire story came out, she was told that she should not be "so trusting". Excuse me! I've been married 33 years this june 16th. That would not happen without trust. What this woman has done is an emotional rape of the worst kind. There is no other way to describe it.

Talking to my friend (mother of the abused party) my concern continues to grow because her daughter is ; in her attempt to be "strong", internalizing her hurt feelings and broken heart and engaging in behaviors which can jeopardize her career. This is where we get to the point of this blog entry.

When faced with this type of betrayal (it is not as uncommon as you may think), it is important to get the help you need so you may deal with the emotions that go along with this type of trauma. The problem with emotional trauma is that it can not be readily seen and thus is easy to ignore or minimize.

If the above relationship had resulted in violence and someone had ended up in the hospital, the injuries would be there for all to see. Since the wounds are emotional and psychological, they are not as easily recognizable to those not looking. Trust me, friends. I have some experience in this area.

My friend's daughter has had her heart ripped out. She will most likely take the advice to not trust so easily to her soul. Unfortunately, this may mean that it will be difficult for her to trust in others ever again. I can only hope that is not the outcome.

If it were up to me, I would wish for a special place in the afterlife for people who take advantage of the loving nature of some people. In the mean time, my advice is for my friend to take her daughter and a bottle of wine, cuddle under a blanket and encourage her to just cry it out. The emotional release will do her good. It's just one evening of ridding yourself of the baggage and poison that this relationship caused. After that, she can stand up, dust herself off and march forward with her life. No one need know that for one evening she wasn't a "Woman of the new century" It's OK to just be Momma's little girl who has suffered an unimaginable hurt and just needs her Momma to comfort her.

Just my opinion.

As Always...

The message is in the music. (It's not your parent's old standards any more)

My taste in music can best be described as eclectic. I listen to everything from the Military Bands of the United States Armed Forces (Navy and Marine Corps being my favorite) to Mozart.  Anything in between is perfectly acceptable as long as it meets the "American  Bandstand" critic's rule.

Each Saturday afternoon for some 36 years (1952-1988), Dick Clark would host this "Teen" show which showcased the popular songs of the day. At some point during the show, a couple would critique the featured song. If they liked it, their comment invariably would be: "It's got a good beat and I can dance to it."

That's my test. If I can discern the melody, the song is a winner in my book. Unfortunately, much of the popular music of today fails that simple test. Thank goodness I'm deaf in one ear.

Sometimes, I listen to the old standard patriotic songs that we all used to learn in grade school. I don't know if they teach them any more. In this day of political correctness and shrinking school budgets, there is either no money for music programs or the schools are afraid of offending someone who is a "visitor" to our fair land.

I understand the cutting of elective classes such as music, art and the like. Many believe that the humanities have no place in the public school system because they are not basic skills. I disagree but, that is for another blog and another day.

Fortunately, we do have musicians in this country and others who learned the humanities and thus can exercise their imagination, creating new music from the old and thus, giving us an entirely new experience with the same music.

The amazing thing about music is, the same melody can be arranged in an infinite number of ways which while keeping the essence of the original, creates a new mood and thus a new musical experience. So, depending on our frame of mind, we can listen to whatever suits us while never changing the piece of music. Now, that would be a study I would love to participate in.

So, with that in mind, I come to what inspired my ramblings of the day. One of the most heartfelt pieces of patriotic music; in my opinion is "My Country tis of thee." Most of us know this famous melody, of course. It's the same as the British National Anthem (God Save the Queen). The words in the American standard are equally familiar and very clearly tell the patriotic story of what America was and should be.

At first glance, this all may seem rather boring because of the familiarity of the tune but, remember; music can be transformed simply by changing the arrangement.

Yesterday I spend most of the day at various doctor's offices and was pretty tired when I got home. As is my habit when I want to relax, I put my headphones on and listened to some tunes. In my iTunes collection I have an arrangement of "My Country Tis of Thee" performed by Steven Stills and Graham Nash. What a far cry from the simple tune we learned as children this is. With it's haunting melody and emotionally delivered lyric, I was moved as usual when listening to good music. For that minute and 42 seconds, the troubles of my day seemed to melt away as I listened to the promise that the idea of our Country holds.

That brings me to my point. The music doesn't have to be the same as when we learned it. It can be adapted for any audience. The message in that music will always remain the same. I've given you one example of a patriotic tune. The idea is not limited to simply patriotic music. Take any tune you like. Find anything that touches you and look for it's message. I might not care for some arrangements of music but, some do like it and that's what counts because the music speaks to us all in one way or another. The message is there. All you have to do is listen for it.

As always...

Oh, how we love our daughters.

Pictured above is Miss Rachel Canning of Morris County, NJ. Of course, this picture was taken in happier times for the 18 year old. You see, it seems that this young Miss was unhappy with the rules of her parents's house and so, in a fit of "spoiled brattiness" she "moved out."

It seems this all happened in October of 2013 but, Rachel's idea of "moving out" is slightly different than mine. I moved out when I was 19. I too, moved out of my father's home in Union County, New Jersey (about 20 minutes from Morris County) but, when I moved out; I joined the United States Navy, supported myself and never looked back. When I came home, it was to visit.

Miss Canning moved in with her best friend's family and now expects her parents to continue to support her. This expected support to take the form of tuition in the local private Catholic High School (Rachel's senior year), a car and living expenses and an "allowance." This daughter of the Garden State and flower of American youth further expects her parents to pay college expenses.

She is so secure in her claim that she has convinced the father of her best friend to finance a law suit against her parents in order to be declared a dependent student.

There are several issues here that just cause my insides to churn and my head to ache. First, is the idea that a teenager who makes a choice to leave her parent's home now faced with the realities of the situation expects those same parents to continue to pay her way simply because she is their daughter. She maintains that her mother and father "threw her out" of the family home. In their defense of the law suit, the parents maintain that Miss Rachel left in a "huff" after an argument over curfew and chores in the home.

The second issue that just drives me to distraction is the fact that the "best friend's" parents are financing the law suit. As the father of two girls, I can fully understand the idea of taking one of my daughter's teenage girl friends in for one night as as a cooling off period after a big argument with her parents. Of course, I would take her in rather than leave her out in the cold. It does get rather chilly in northern New Jersey in October. After allowing the girl to spend 1 night, my next act would be to call her folks and let them know she is safe and secure for the evening. My second action would not be to plant the idea of a law suit against the parents in the girl's mind or in any way facilitate that legal action. I would however, counsel the young lady to go back to her parents in the morning after tempers and emotions have calmed down and work the issues out as the adult she claims to be. That is what adults in families do.

Once the friend's parents allowed the girl to remain in their home for months on end, they undermined the position of her parents as parents who know what is best for their daughter. Remember, what the friend or her parents think is right or wrong in this family situation is not relevant to the issues. Only three people can solve this problem: Mom, Dad and Daughter.

This is exactly what I hate about children reaching the age of majority at 18. I understand the reasoning behind it but as a practical matter, it doesn't work well in many cases. For that matter, I know a lot of 21 year olds who have no business calling themselves adults either.

But, in the situation we are discussing, it is very clear what has happened. We have a young girl who was raised with most of the advantages life has to offer. When she reached the age of majority, she decided that she no longer had to follow the rules of the home as set down by her parents. Remember, it is the parents who are paying the bills in the home. There's an old rule that is still valid today, "My house, my rules." As long as the rules are not abusive, if the girl wants the advantages of living in the home, she has to follow the house rules. It's a simple concept.

It seems that the New Jersey court agrees. Yesterday the judge in the case denied the request of the plaintiff, Miss Rachel Canning for her parents to pay her High School tuition, living expenses or provide an allowance to the young lady. the question of college tuition is still to be decided. April 2, is the next court date.

Of course, this all could be avoided if Miss Rachel would just talk to her mother and father, move back in the home she has always been welcome in and keep her room clean and; God forbid, help Mom around the house a little bit!

The age of entitlement, come home to roost!

As always...

You've got nothing to fear...

We've all been afraid. It's part of life. A nightmare, a bump in the night or a creaking board on the stairs are enough to frighten anyone. Under the right circumstances, anyone can be frightened. But, that's not the type of fear I want to talk about today. I'd like to address a problem that seems to be getting worse, rather than better in our society.

Are you in some way different? Are you overweight, gay, transgendered? Do you have a deep dark secret that you think would ruin your life if it got out? It could be anything. I'm just throwing out some examples off the top of my head.

I've been afraid most of my life. Many of you know about the fear I grew up with. As a consequence, there were long term psychological issues which caused other fears. I have found that I belong to one of the largest groups of fearful people there is. Those with the fear of acceptance.

Being smaller in stature and partially crippled when I was growing up, I stood out as different. Further, I recall that I had a minor speech impediment. Often, I would pronounce my "R" sound like a "W". So, I could sound like Elmer Fudd. All these issues, added to an overall lack of confidence which followed me into my early 20's. The sad part was, there was no help for me. I was away from home and had to learn to suck it up. But, honestly; I was scared each and every day in those early days of my Naval career.

Then, one day I found a friend. Actually, he was my friend the whole time on the ship, I just didn't realize how good a friend he was. We will just call him Mike. He was my partner on a machine in the ship's laundry where we worked. Each day, Mike and I would feed table cloths into this machine which would press them. Then we would fold them. As you can imagine, it was rather mindless, repudiative work. As a consequence, Mike and I had a chance to shoot the breeze quite a bit.

If you have never been in the service, you may not understand this next part. My friend, Mike would "mess" with me. During this time of boredom, he would pick on me without mercy. The way I walked or talked. My lack of height. It was all a target for his sharp comments. One day, I didn't respond but, my feelings were really hurt and he noticed a tear roll down my check.

You can only imagine the horror on his face when he realized that he had upset me so badly that I actually shed a tear. Can you imagine my embarrassment? So, he asked what was wrong. I told him that I did not understand why he picked on me all the time. I thought we were friends. Mike smiled and told me that he was just playing. He explained that if I was unliked, no one would say anything to me, at all!

At lunch, Mike and I sat down and he explained further that I needed to develop a thicker skin if I wanted to survive in the Navy. Well, I did but I also learned more about relationships.

I didn't like being messed with. I don't mess with people I like. We can mutually joke with each other but there is no merciless picking. To me, that's bullying and I don't stand for it.

The other thing I have learned over the years is simple: If you do not like how your "Friends" treat you and you tell them so, if they don't change their ways, find new, real friends.

Real friends accept you for who and what you are. They make no judgements and they support you at each and every turn. They are there to listen and help. They pick you up when you fall and help you dust yourself off so that you can move along life's path. Most importantly, they do not care about the consequences of being the friend to someone who is different. It's a simple concept. There's a name for it. We call it LOYALTY.

So ,if you are a little different or a lot different and need a friend, if you can't find one handy, call on me. I've been afraid, just like you and I am not afraid of anything any more.

Stop being worried about wether someone likes you or approves of you, be yourself. Those that matter will more than like you and will stick by you through thick and thicker.

Just something to think about.

As always...

Children are not weapons Fast Food is nasty for them.

I am an observer of this world we live in. Like most of us, I derive a certain satisfaction in watching the drama we call life unfold in others as it creates the culture we live in. One of the ways to observe this culture is to read the help/advice column in the paper or on -line. I go with the classic "Dear Abby".

When I was a kid, my mother used to read the same column each day. Sometimes, she would read the question to me so, for some 50+ years, I have become familiar with the problems that people feel compelled to ask the famous Ms. Van Buren to help with.

Two problems caught my interest just the other day. In the first one, a mother of a 20 year old lamented the situation of her son who, it seems had been having a "relationship" with an older woman since the age of 17. In the present day, the son is the father of a small child with this woman and his love interest is unable to take care of their son. It seems that the woman has some serious emotional/mental health issues. The original letter writer does not feel comfortable raising her grandson but her son; the child's father refuses. His excuse: He is not "ready" to become a father!

Abby informed the letter writer that she needs to step up and take custody of the minor child if both parents are unable/unwilling to do so. I suppose this is a proper response but, in my mind not what I would do.

The letter writer failed to prepare the son for life! He should have known that as soon as he slept with the woman who was 4 years older than he, ready or not, fatherhood was a possibility. Once he was informed that his girlfriend was pregnant and the decision was made to have the baby, the possibility became a reality.  Fatherhood, here I come!

When I was in school, I had a Biology teacher. CDR Lewis O. Speck. He was a wonderful teacher. He taught us many things. One of them was this: Just because you are old enough to father a child doesn't mean you are qualified to be a Father. But, once the situation presents itself, you must stand up and take responsibility for your actions. In this case, there is a human life at stake.

Fatherhood is not a joke and can not be taken lightly. One way or the other, I would have informed the son of the letter writer that he must take responsibility for his actions.

The second story I wanted to talk about today was not from the advice column but just a news item that was passed along to me. It seems that in New York City, a father was accused of being incapable of controlling his 4 year old son and being a bad parent because he refused to take the child to McDonald's!

A long story short: Father and mother are divorcing. Father has every other weekend and each Tuesday evening (dinner) visitation with his son.  On this occasion, the child demanded McDonald's. Father refused and offered alternative dinning choices. Child continued tantrum. Father returned child to mother without dinner. Mother promptly took child to McDonald's. Psychologist reports to court that the father is unable to control the child properly and this incident is tantamount to abuse. Recommends visitation be severely curtailed.

I certainly hope that the judge in this case sees this incident for what it is and makes the right decision. The child is being used as a weapon in the deforce proceeding and that is just wrong.

I was raised by a shrink. It was a crazy way to grow up. My father kept trying to be the shrink and not the Dad. As a consequence I got neither. Parents should be allowed to raise their kids, not mental health professionals. When courts order children to therapy routinely, they do the parents a disservice.

Further, parents need to understand that children are not basketballs that can be passed back and forth or hand grenades to be used as a weapon. Children need unified parents to love and nurture them. Discipline needs to be firm and fair by both parents. Most importantly, 4 year olds don't get to run the family and in no galaxy that I know of is McDonald's a healthy meal for a little child.

Just Sayin'...

As always...

Gosh, Time sure flies when you re having fun.

32 years ago today, my oldest child, a daughter was born. Now, she is a grown, married woman with a daughter of her own and another child on the way. How time flies.

I always wanted to be a Dad. My father was not very good at his fatherly functions (as far as I was conceded) so, I wanted to be a Dad so that I could prove that I could do better than he. I think I did.

I loved being the father of a small child. It was just a joy for me to come home to my small family. My little one would always be happy to see me. As she got older, her ability to express herself grew and when I would come home, I was greeted by cries of "Daddy!" and the sound of little feet running to me so she could get her hugs and kisses. I was in heaven.

Through the years, my oldest child and I always remained close. There have been the rough spots, of course, but that happens in the closest of relationships. I know that I was always there for my daughter and will do everything I can to remain there as her greatest fan, as long as I have breath.

It's difficult to put into words the love I feel for my daughter. Beyond that, I feel a great sense of pride. She took her time in finding a husband. Unlike many of this day and age, my daughter waited to get married until she had found the right person and they were both in a position to go into the relationship of marriage in a mature and measured manner.

Her husband is a wonderful man who loves both her and their daughter. I am sure that the new addition to their growing family will come into a loving and nurturing family. That's the most important thing.

My daughter is a wonderful Mom. Although she raises her own daughter differently than I might, every minute of each day with the little one is filled with love and her every action is motivated by that same love.

It seems strange to me to be talking about my grown daughter like this. It seems like only yesterday that her only problem was what color crayon to use or what to watch on television. (She used to love Fraggle Rock). But, time does indeed fly by and I have to remind myself each day that my children are grown and my oldest  especially, doesn't need my help any longer. But, she knows I am available at the drop of a hat, if required or desired.

So, have a wonderful birthday, my darling daughter. You will always be the light of my life. Enjoy your time with your own daughter, she is just on loan. One day, you too will have to give her up to live her own life. If you are very lucky, you will be allowed in just as you have allowed me into your life, even though you are "all grown up."