A year ago, my need for a list became a reality. I came face to face with my mortality. I've never told the whole story but, with my anniversary approaching, I thought this would be a good time to share. That's what this blog is for; isn't it? Besides, the events of the last year or two have been on my mind.
People tell me I am smart. Honestly, I don't think I am anything all that special. Most of my life, I've been afraid. I don't know what I have been afraid of, I just am. I try to overcome that fear now, as an adult through reading. I try to learn as much as I can about anything that catches my eye. It seems to work.
When I was a child, I didn't understand that if I learned, I'd have no reason to be afraid. Knowledge is the ultimate equalizer. Your brain can overcome braun any time. Put simply, I was shy.
I came by this shyness honestly. I was small for my age. I also had a physical handicap. I didn't really understand what Cerebral Palsy was. I just knew that walking, running and generally playing like the other kids was very hard for me. It also didn't help that I had to wear thick glasses. I just didn't fit in. So, I did what a lot of little boys do, I tagged along with my older brother.
I idolized my big brother. Mickey was everything I was not. Strong, coordinated, confident. He could make friends easily and he did. Although he tortured me on a daily basis, I still tried and tried to fit in with him. This led me to start a habit which stayed with me for more than 40 years and nearly killed me.
I started smoking cigarettes. Now, you all can look at me today and tell me how silly this was. If Mickey didn't want me around, destroying my health wasn't going to change things. I didn't realize that as time went on, my brother would eventually look upon me as a friend. I wanted to be accepted, right away. I was lonesome.
When I was 11, Mickey got into trouble at the local public school. My father decided it was time to send Mickey away to Military School. The school was, well; to me it was amazing. But, it was the place that took my "big brother"away. Mickey went away to school for half a year. While he was gone, I missed him terribly.
He came home for spring break and eventually, summer vacation. I continued to tag along and smoked Marlboro Cigarettes.
I followed my brother to Admiral Farragut Academy the next year. While we were both there, I tagged along, just like at home. I continued to smoke. The difference being, at school I had to hide when I smoked. That's OK. There were a lot of kids who were to young to smoke. We all had a sort of club. (At the time, you had to be 16 and have parental permission to smoke at school.)
Life continued. Mickey left school eventually, joined the Navy for 3 years. Got out. Went to a trade school, got married and divorced. Life.
I joined the Navy. I finally came out of my shell with the help of real friends in the Navy. Married. I'm still married to the same wonderful woman. We have 4 grown children. I continued to smoke. But, I did get one wish.
My brother, Mickey and I would talk most days, at least once. Sometimes, more than once. Mickey told me that I was his best friend. You can only imagine how happy that made me. That is something I had wanted to hear all my life. Now, I had arrived! Not only was I Mickey's friend. I was his best friend. I lit another cigarette.
Unfortunately, as does sometimes happen, life throws curve balls. Mickey developed a very serious drinking problem. He used to say, it wasn't a problem for him. He was a drunk and only hurting himself so, leave it alone. My brother lived across the country. I was in Virginia and he was in Arizona. He didn't want my help and I was to far away to do anything. His wife wouldn't do anything but drink with him so, as he said: He was only hurting himself. I lit another cigarette.
In the late evening of September 20, 2011, my phone rang. It was my sister-in-law. My brother Mickey had died. The alcohol finally did win. He died in their rented trailer, in a trailer park, not far from Kingmen, Arizona. Alone. I stayed up all night, smoking cigarettes.
Just shy of a year later, life continues. At the beginning of the year, My oldest daughter and her husband came to me. Amie had that little girl look in her eye as she smiled and said "Daddy, I'm going to have a baby!" Tears and hugs all around, we celebrated the joy of this news. I continued to smoke.
My granddaughter was born in August. Happy doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I love being a Grandfather (Nono).
It's many a sailor's dream to wake up unclothed in a room full of women. In the second week of September, last year I lived that dream. There was only one problem. I was in the Cardiac Cath Lab at the Naval Hospital.
My doctor is an extremely talented woman as is her staff of Navy Hospital Corpsmen. They were all women. I am thankful to each of them. After being wheeled into the room, prepared and sedated, the doctor came in and inserted a catheter into my groin and up into my heart.. I was all drugged up so I do not have real clear memories of specifics of this. However, I do remember one important part of this evolution.
The doctor looked at me and said; "You need bypass surgery and you have to quit smoking or you are going to die!"
Honestly, it had never been put to me quite that way. Any idea I may have had to continue to smoke, was gone. It was purged from my system. Done.
When I got back into my room, my dear wife was waiting for me. She sure has stuck by me through thick and thicker. I told her to get rid of all the cigarettes we had at home. She laughed and told me she already had. Trust me, I was not mad. I was scared.
It's been a year, minus a day or two. I do not miss smoking. I do still miss my brother. But, we can't bring those who are gone back. I can't change the past. I started smoking because I wanted to fit in. That didn't really work to well. I had to live most of my life before I realized what my mother told me was true. Be yourself. People will like you just fine for who you are. If you have to "act" for someone to be your friend they are not.
I don't know why I didn't believe my Mom. I guess that's just part of life. I think of all the money I've wasted on cigarettes. Stupid. Because of that nasty habit, I nearly died. Again, stupid.
For you smokers out there, I didn't write this to give you a lecture. You are all grown. You all make your own decisions. If my story makes a difference, great. If not, that's fine too. I am not qualified to tell anyone how to live their lives.
I don't have many regrets in my life. 1 year later, I have one less to worry about.
I'd like to thank the Doctors, Nurses, Hospital Corpsmen and other staff at Naval Medical Center, Portsmouth for all they have done for me and all they continue to do. You truly are "First and Finest".
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